Jail lyrics - Lil Dicky

 (from "Dave" soundtrack)

[Concert Scene:]

On stage rapping, (oh)

Ain't shit to me, I'm a rapper

That's what I do (hey)

Young Dave snappin (woo)

The crowd seem to fuck with me and I like them, too

Ordinarily I might joke around on the stage (ya)

Funny motherfucker, class clown, 12th grade

Sometimes I might overstep my boundaries (hm)

Do some weird shit, believe in the art of the joke (ya)

In this case, I was like

Ay, y'all a great crowd

So as a reward, do you wanna see my dick?

Crowd went wild, now I'm kinda torn

Mid-show soft dick, is my worst soft dick

I'm a moron (show your dick, show your dick)

Whole crowd chants (shit)

I'm like, I can't, but what about nuts? (yeah)

People erupt, whipped out the nuts, cheers

[Dressing Room Scene:]

Off stage, head up to the dressing room

Five cops waiting in my dressing room

Goddamn, dude, you blowing up

Look at how they beefing up the security (hey)

I was like, Offices, I'll be okay (ya)

One cop said, "Sir, you're under arrest" (ha)

I laughed in jest, assumed he was just showing off for his cop friends

Opened some Chex Mix

Sir, I'm gonna need you to put on these cuffs

I'm like, "What?"

Sir, you just exposed yourself

At an all-ages show nonentheless

Wait, you talking 'bout showing nuts? (Sir)

That's like a common joke

You never pull out a ball with your friends or... (Sir)

Never?

Sir, please put on these cuffs

Wait, stop, no, this is actually happening? (Sir)

Wait, this is unfair (Sir!)

I'm sorry, I swear! (Sir!)

Please hear my out...

Sir, you're going to jail

I'm like, "Jail?" (I'm like jail)

He like, Yeah!

I'm like, "Jail?" (I'm like jail)

Yeah!

[Court Scene:]

Booked, bail

Pay it, scared (this is crazy)

Months pass, trial (real trial)

45 parents press charges (oh)

I got a DUI in college (stupid)

This was not my first offense (oh, my God)

Children were crying on the stand (stand)

Probably the dorks of their class (you're a loser)

Now it's the day of my reckoning

They 'bout to give me my sentencing

Can't even breathe and I'm trembling

The jury arrived at a verdict (guilty!)

I thought I misheard it (guilty!)

Mama Burd going berserk (my son!)

Wait, you said two years, Your Honor? (yes)

[Jail Arrival Scene:]

On the bus to Tuckawala

They got me chained to Roberto

Tat on his face he was fidgety

Shook as can be as we pullin' in (hm)

They take my picture, unchain me

They give me my state I.D. (thanks)

Then they took me to a room

And told me to "spread your cheeks" (ewww...)

I was like, "Like this?" (like this?)

They like, "Yeah, but rake your nuts"

Rake... rake my nuts?

Like pull 'em up?

Yes

Oh, okay

They made me squat and cough (ah... ahh...)

Standard procedure, I'm wid it (it's cool)

After I finished, I had a minute with the guard

Say to him, "Sir, I know this is bizarre

But the whole rape thing, is it, like, real?

Is it actually a thing in Jail? or...?"

He like, "Yeah"

I'm like, "Yeah? (it really happens?)

He like, "Yeah" (isn't it your job to protect people?)

[Cell Arrival Scene:]

Getting walked to my cell (we got a white boy)

Walking through jail (wooo wooo wooo, woo yeah!)

Shit is like hell (you dead, you dead)

It's just like the movies (gettin' fucked!)

Screaming and hollering, hooting (fresh meat!)

A black guy said, "I'll break your back!" (on your back now!)

Hispanic guy ask, "What that mouth like?" (imma need that)

A neo-Nazi just smiles... (hmmmm)

We get to my... cell

Got a cellmate named Raheem (hi, I'm Dave!)

Good dude, wonder why he in (I'm Raheem)

Then he asked me what I even did (what'd you do?)

I explained the whole thing, (yeah)

Was performing, (yeah)

Showed my nuts, (huh?)

Totally innocent, like...

Well, I did it, but it was an innocent act

It's not a big deal

Now I'm here in Tuckawala for two years for exposing myself to minors

"Whoa, whoa, you a pedophile?" Raheem said

No, I'm not a pedophile, you just heard the story

Okay, okay, okay, you cannot let anyone know this

Why? It's not a big...

If they find out, then it's over

Over?

You raped, dead, maybe...

Raped dead?

Let's just think of solutions instead

Raped dead?

In here there's the Blacks and the Mexicans

Well, what about those white supremacists? (heh)

They see that you're Jewish it's evident (it's evident? what does...)

The Blacks and the Mexicans don't have inherent hatred for you (true)

You gotta pick one of them for protection (who?)

The Blacks or the Mexicans? (yes)

Uh, I mean, I guess

I got Blacks, right? Blacks

Okay

I just don't know much about Mexicans (I hear you)

Like, at home I would hang out with Blacks (go with blacks then...)

Well, how do they know I'm with Blacks?

Like... how do I refer to it?

Do I say "Blacks"? (you won't have to say...)

I feel like it'd be weird

If I said, "I'm with the blacks" (it's not like that)

How is it referred to?

Don't worry, I'll make sure that everyone knows you're with us

[Recreation Scene:]

Three o'clock rec ball

Pretty solid courts, real good runs

Watched on the sidelines, didn't try to run

Calling for next would be calling for death

Real good black dude roll his ankle (ewww...)

Mexican guy on the side says, "ay, carambo"

Now there's a squad, thats only got four players

And in jail the other team picks his replacement

They look around and my heart started racing

One guy is beelining straight up at David

Cause they probably think I'm a horrible player

They like, "All right, take this white, skinny bitch"

Little did they know I'm a bad motherfucker on the court

First play hit 'em with the cross-up fake (swoosh)

Next play, wide open three, like... wet (swoosh)

The yard taking notice, (yo)

I take a charge. but they don't even notice (bro)

Don't leave him open, his jumper is potent (ha)

Pat on the back

Feel like a black

Dap, dap, dap

[Exposed Scene:]

All the sudden, a Mexican guy

Walks on the court and says

Stop the game, stop the game, stop the game

Gets in my face

Says, "You know what he did?"

Everyone's frozen in place

You know what he did? (what'd he do? what'd he do?)

He raped some kids

Whoa, whoa, whoa, not true! I said

He said, "One was my niece!"

Hold on, I can explain, I'm a rapper, I was on stage (you ain't no motherfuckin' rapper)

Yes, I am (we gon' rape you)

No, I am a rapper

I'll spit, you want me to spit?

I'll fucking spit! I'll...

You 'bout to get fucked, pendejo!

Listen, my dick sucks, my dick sucks

Uh..., that's just a hook

Remember the name, Don Quixote

That's the guy that will fuck you later

Okay, chismoso? (hahaha)

Then he walked away

I tried to play it cool, I'm like, "Back to the game"

Punched in the back, (ah)

Thrown off the court

I'm like, "I'm with the Blacks!" (that made it worse)

Smack! smack! smack!

I'm like, "I didn't rape no kids, I just showed my sack

You never did that, like, with your friends?" (ain't fuck nah, pussy)

It was just a joke!

I believe in the art of the joke (that don't sound very funny)

Yeah, but you should've seen it, it worked

They laughed, the joke was successful

They whipped my ass, (pa pa)

Now I'm not with the Blacks (you ain't black)

[Cell Scene:]

Lick my wounds in my cell, (eeehhuuu)

Tell Raheem all the facts (this guy walked on the court...)

He like, Oh, no, Don Quiote?" (yeah)

That's the most dangerous Mexican (really?)

And now all the Blacks not potecting you

Yeah, no shit, and by the way

They didn't take kindly to me saying I was with the Blacks

Well, now... (offft)

Now everyone's got the green light (green light?)

I wish I could make it be right (Raheem...)

You're definately gonna get raped (raped dead?)

If I were you, I'd learn to fight

I can't fight, I'd lose every fight

Instead of fighting back

What if I offer, like, willing head?

Willing head?

I'm like, "Yeah"

Willing head?

Yeah

Think about it

Nobody wants to fight (that's not true)

I would much rather give consensual head

Than get fucked up my ass and die

Well, it's not gon' be an option like that

No, no, hear me out

What if one day up in the caf I stuck a paper on the wall? (a paper?)

Yeah, a sign-up sheet (a sign-up sheet?)

Yeah, with time slots (what... time slots?)

Yeah, for head

You know, if you, if you don't rape me

I'll give you the best head you'll ever get in jail

And I'll be such a joy, so pleasant

What a great companion I could be (I don't think...)

This is so smart (uh...)

Yeah! uh...

Then word would get around about the head

And everybody woud start to realize

The second I'm raped, that the head off the table

Better than anal

The brothers would kill for this shit, Cain and Abel

You're not gonna have the option like that, cuh

It's... it's cool when you say "cuh"

Like cuz, but you... "cuh"

Where you from, Raheem?

Man, I gotta nap

Oh, when you wake, then

[Cafeteria Scene:]

Caf, tuna fish (ugh)

Actually surprised because this shit fire, (hmm)

Usually I'm real picky with my tuna type

Only like my mom's and Subway's

Did you guys know

That Subway's the biggest chain in the world, over McDonalds?

No one responded

Tap Raheem's shoulder, I said

"Did you know that, Raheem?" (uhh)

He like, "What?"

That Subway's the biggest chain?

Bigger than McDonald's (no)

[Don Quixote Scene:]

Waking back to me cell, (aye)

Just me and the guard, I feel greasy (yeah)

All the sudden he bail (what the fuck)

Then as I turned the corner, I saw Don Quixote (fuck)

Fuck, this is it, oh, my God

Dave, you're so raped (fuck)

Thought of my options, he started approaching (ohh)

I'm like, "Quixote, relax, I'm open to it"

Come here

Kissed on his neck

Licked on his ears

Took off his shirt

Kissed on his stomach, his chest is... so bulbous

But I'm playing my part (yeah)

He fallin' hard, (yeah)

I got his heart (yeah)

I get down to my knees, aye

Tease, aye

Whipped out the dick (oh, my God, so big, ah...)

Veins, everywhere, so many veins

Off-colored dick

Darker than I expected

I realized in that moment

I've never seen a Mexicano's dick before

Spit on the dick (pusst)

His guard fallen

Cocked his head back real slow

And then said, "Ay, carambo"

Plan coming to fruition

I open wide, put the tip in

And I close my eyes, and pray to God and...

Bit off his dick (ay, carambo)

Spit out his dick (ugh!)

He fell to his knees...